My Uncle's an inventor
And he's very, very strange,
It's got a great big house in France
That he loves to re-arrange.
It's got a bathroom with a swimming pool
And a kitchen on the roof,
And a tiny, little yellow room
That's completely burglar proof.
There's a shower in the garden
And a treehouse from Beijing
And a fifty-metre tightrope
That he uses as a swing.
He's got a full size football pitch
And a bowling alley too,
And somewhere in the basement
There's shiny, golden loo.
My uncle's an inventor
And he looks so very weird,
With his self-invented sunglasses
And his great, big, bushy beard.
He's got arms as long as tentacles
And legs as strong as chairs
And when he walks into a room
Then everybody stares.
He's got a funny giggly laugh
And the loudest ever sneeze,
And sometimes when he starts to think
Then suddenly he'll freeze!
He's got eyes that are so big and bright
That when we're in the park,
He uses them to light the way
If we come home after dark.
Yes, my uncle's an inventor
Who says, "Enough is not enough!"
And keeps on filling up his house
With loads and loads of stuff.
He's got yellow flowers from Peru,
And Sapphires from Bombay
And funny little orange things
That copy what you say.
He's got boxes piled on boxes
Of different coloured strings,
And upstairs in his bedroom
There's a suitcases full of springs.
He's got broken bits of bottles
And slimy things in jars,
And a tiny, little, mechanical mouse
That he uses to count stars.
My uncle's an inventor
And he's my father's brother too,
And my dad says he invented
Cousin Andy's magic glue.
And he says that he invented
How a handle fits a cup
And the number buttons in a lift
That take you down or up.
And he invented electric windows
And the way locks work with keys
And the way that all the bee keepers
Get honey from their bees.
And he invented purple chewing gum
And pens that never dry,
And a brand new type of recipe
That makes ice creams that fly.
My uncle's an inventor
And he's got bright orange hair,
And he's got a yellow bicycle
That hovers in the air.
He invented tins for baked beans
And he invented Fish & Chips
And he invented all the lipstick things
That people put on lips.
And he invented see-through windows
And a machine that talks to dogs
And a great big sort of tractor thing
That turns trees into logs.
He invented three wheel bicycles
And a balloon that's made of bread,
And a funny little microscope
That can look inside your head.
And he invented orange medicine
That makes troubles go away,
And another type of medicine
That turns night into day.
Yes my uncle's an inventor
And he's crazy as can be,
And he's working on some new things
That the world will one day see.
He's got a plan to make a man
Who's always kind and good,
And an indestructible telephone
And a brand new type of wood.
And he thinks that one day maybe
We'll be living undersea,
So he's started drawing pictures
Of how the watery world will be
And it's like a great big fish tank
But the fish are all outside,
And the people living in the bowl
Are big and magnified.
And he's got an idea in his head
About a machine that makes it rain
And another that can change the wind
And a great big flying train.
And he's got a golden statue
Because he invented chocolate cake
And a medal from a Danish Queen
Because he saved her from a snake.
And he always knows the answers
To the quizzes on TV,
And he's travelled all around the world
But now he's here with me.
And he holds me in his great big arms
And he tells me funny tales
About a thing that he once made
To give the Prince of Wales.
And he teaches me about the earth
And about blue Indian Ink,
And he shows me how to rig a sail
And he shows me to think.
Yes my uncle's an inventor
And we all know he's the best,
And he's got a room inside his house
Where the inventions have a test.
And we know that he invented Time
And space and Marzipan.
And the way the universe revolves
Around the lives man
And we know that he invented stars
And the planets and the moon
And the way the first man every learnt
To eat food with a spoon.
And we know that he invented
The way that shadows grow
When the sun has moved around the sky
And then is sinking low.
And he invented plastic bottles
And the way some drinks they fizz
And I heard once he invented
Everything there is.
But I don't care about that now
Or about the things he's done
Because he's here beside me
And he's funny and he's fun.
So I look up at my uncle
And I ask him if he will
Invent some sort of strange machine
That makes the time stand still.
And if he could just do it
Then we could both ignore
The ticking of the ticking clock
That's over by the door.
And he could keep on telling me
All the stories that he knows
Like the time that he invented
A TV for your toes.
And I could stay forever
And listen and believe
And fall asleep beside him
And never, ever leave.
