I want be a... YouTuber.

I want to be a YouTuber
And I know that I can do it,
Somebody told me it's easy
And there's really nothing to it.
You've just got get hold of a camera
And talk about things you know,
And show some clips and give some tips
Then post the video.

Yes I want to be a YouTuber
Just like Jacksepticeye
Or something like Dudeperfect
Or maybe KSI.
I'm going get some headphones
And learn to use cameras and mics,
And I'll get a million subscribers
And seven billion Likes.

Yes, I'm going to be a YouTuber
I might be funny like Markiplier,
Or play games like Ninja or Tfue
And watch my subs get higher and higher.
I'll never stop uploading
And I'll never stop having fun,
And one day I'll be like PewDiePie
And I'll be number one.

7 Haiku 4 Haunted Hills

Land in Haunted Hills,
Me, and all the other dead.
Reincarnation.

Crumbling castle,
Once so grand in Season 6.
Fortnite-time decays.

Fighting over graves,
Dying amongst the coffins.
Only ghosts here now.

From castle to church,
Try to open every chest.
Too soon comes the storm.

Killed in the graveyard,
Playground, time-check, irony.
Be at peace. Respawn.

Haunted in my dreams,
These ghostly hills at nighttime.
Three worlds, which is real?

Walking through the world,
The illusion is so deep.
Now turn on the game.

Sonnet 4 Salty Springs

“It’s fun,” we say. But parents cannot hear.
They moan that it’s addictive all the same,
But why can’t they just let us disappear
Into the magic wonders of this game?
We love you, love you, love you, oh so much
And love to see you having so much fun,
But can’t you see you’re somehow losing touch
With real life; and the sorrows of the gun?
Remember what you feel when you've been killed,
The anger, rage and sadness in your brain.
The way you think your dreams will be fulfilled
The second you press ‘PLAY’ and start again.
Addiction poisons both the poor and kings
Alike they die who drink from Salty Springs.

The Fortnite Prayer

I pray as I come floating down
That I may leave with the winners crown
And that no drop of my blood Spills
And that I get about sixty kills.

I pray as I find my first chest
That it has guns that are the best
And may I have great speed and stealth
And always have full shield and health

I pray as I run out to play
I don’t get slaughtered straight away,
And that at least I have some fun
And stay alive till the battle’s done.

And when those left are only four
I pray that I can kill one more,
And then, when there are only three,
The other two kill themselves...
So the winners me!

Sniped!

The player who's about to snipe you
Might be a long way away,
Or he might be just behind you
And just have seen his prey.

He might be on a zip-wire
Gliding through the air,
He might be high up in a tree
He could be anywhere.

And you might have full shield and health,
And you might be with your friends,
But you know unless you're number #1
A kill's how this game ends.

The thing is that he's seen you
And now he's taking aim,
And before you even know it
It's time to leave the game.

A little bit snorey.

My wife's a little bit snorey
But I love her all the same,
She's got a baby in her tum
So she's not the one to blame.

When your partner's very pregnant
Men be on your guard,
Because growing a tiny baby
Must be very, very hard.
When you're big and round and swollen
Then your easy days are gone,
You cannot walk, you waddle
And you gobble Gaviscon.

And although it must be wonderful
And fill your world with pride,
As you feel your buddy wriggling
And kicking you inside,
It can't be easy knowing
As all those changes come about,
That one day, despite the growing,
You have to get it out.

So partners please be wary
And support your pregnant wife,
She might get slightly grumpy
But she's making brand new life.
When she can't get off the sofa
And can't turn around in bed,
Don't be rolling eyes and moaning
Give a helping hand instead.

Yes, my wife's a little bit snorey
But she's still the one I adore,
Because she's baking us a baby
So I love her even more.

The Battle of Tilted Towers

It's our first day out, the new season's here,
And we've all got brand new skins,
We stand together and ready up
And then the fun begins.
We're on Spawn Island with everyone else
Discussing where we'll land,
And all of the adults are far away
Which is good cause they can't understand.

They all say that we shouldn't play
But how can they possibly know,
What it's like to be about to die
When your health is running low?
And how can they know how amazing it is
When you're just about to give in,
But then your fingers think faster than you
And all of a suddenly win.

We're going to land in Tilted Towers
Then we'll each go and open a chest,
And we'll laugh and have fun and we'll argue
About which of our guns is the best.
Then maybe we'll hide for a little bit
It's clever and we don't think it's wrong,
Cause we've learnt that sometimes the winners in life
Are not just the brave and the strong.

But the adults still think it's a waste of time
Though they spend their lives watching TV,
Or reading the papers, or using their phones
And they think that they're better than me.
But I'm learning about resilience
And I'm learning about staying alive,
And that making mistakes then improving
Is the only way to survive.

Then we'll go out and find other players
And when we hear gun shots we'll build,
And the circle will keep getting smaller
And we're probably end up getting killed.
And I know that the adults will ban me
If I don't come the second they call,
But it's fun and it's really exciting
And it's only a game after all.

And the adults they say it's addictive
And they tell us but why should we care?
Because some of us have just thanked the bus driver
And we're floating down through the air.
And I'm with my friends and we're free to roam
And we're working as a team,
And we're about to land in Tilted Towers
And the real world's just a dream.

Cute Little Ghost

I am a very cute little ghost
I'm as friendly as can be,
If you're ever scared in the night
Then you can count on me.

I'll come up and protect you
And I'll make you feel alright,
I can make my body glow
Like a sparkly colourful light.

Yes I can hold your hand
And take away your fear,
There's nothing to be scared of
When your friendly, cute ghost's here.

Or I can sing you lovely songs
About birds or the fish in the deep,
Yes you can count on this cute little ghost
To get you back to sleep.

Ladybird.

I am a lovely ladybird
I'm pretty as can be,
I was floating on the summer breeze
But now I'm on your knee.

I have small tiny dots
Upon my bright red wings,
I want to fly and float again
Where the summer bird it sings.

I am a little ladybird
I'll make your wish come true,
If you will help me fly again
Up in the skies of blue.

So put me on your finger
And hold me in the air,
Then tell me where you want to go
And I will take you there.

My Uncle's an inventor

My Uncle's an inventor
And he's very, very strange,
It's got a great big house in France
That he loves to re-arrange.
It's got a bathroom with a swimming pool
And a kitchen on the roof,
And a tiny, little yellow room
That's completely burglar proof.
There's a shower in the garden
And a treehouse from Beijing
And a fifty-metre tightrope
That he uses as a swing.
He's got a full size football pitch
And a bowling alley too,
And somewhere in the basement
There's shiny, golden loo.

My uncle's an inventor
And he looks so very weird,
With his self-invented sunglasses
And his great, big, bushy beard.
He's got arms as long as tentacles
And legs as strong as chairs
And when he walks into a room
Then everybody stares.
He's got a funny giggly laugh
And the loudest ever sneeze,
And sometimes when he starts to think
Then suddenly he'll freeze!
He's got eyes that are so big and bright
That when we're in the park,
He uses them to light the way
If we come home after dark.

Yes, my uncle's an inventor
Who says, "Enough is not enough!"
And keeps on filling up his house
With loads and loads of stuff.
He's got yellow flowers from Peru,
And Sapphires from Bombay
And funny little orange things
That copy what you say.
He's got boxes piled on boxes
Of different coloured strings,
And upstairs in his bedroom
There's a suitcases full of springs.
He's got broken bits of bottles
And slimy things in jars,
And a tiny, little, mechanical mouse
That he uses to count stars.

My uncle's an inventor
And he's my father's brother too,
And my dad says he invented
Cousin Andy's magic glue.
And he says that he invented
How a handle fits a cup
And the number buttons in a lift
That take you down or up.
And he invented electric windows
And the way locks work with keys
And the way that all the bee keepers
Get honey from their bees.
And he invented purple chewing gum
And pens that never dry,
And a brand new type of recipe
That makes ice creams that fly.

My uncle's an inventor
And he's got bright orange hair,
And he's got a yellow bicycle
That hovers in the air.
He invented tins for baked beans
And he invented Fish & Chips
And he invented all the lipstick things
That people put on lips.
And he invented see-through windows
And a machine that talks to dogs
And a great big sort of tractor thing
That turns trees into logs.
He invented three wheel bicycles
And a balloon that's made of bread,
And a funny little microscope
That can look inside your head.
And he invented orange medicine
That makes troubles go away,
And another type of medicine
That turns night into day.

Yes my uncle's an inventor
And he's crazy as can be,
And he's working on some new things
That the world will one day see.
He's got a plan to make a man
Who's always kind and good,
And an indestructible telephone
And a brand new type of wood.
And he thinks that one day maybe
We'll be living undersea,
So he's started drawing pictures
Of how the watery world will be
And it's like a great big fish tank
But the fish are all outside,
And the people living in the bowl
Are big and magnified.

And he's got an idea in his head
About a machine that makes it rain
And another that can change the wind
And a great big flying train.
And he's got a golden statue
Because he invented chocolate cake
And a medal from a Danish Queen
Because he saved her from a snake.
And he always knows the answers
To the quizzes on TV,
And he's travelled all around the world
But now he's here with me.
And he holds me in his great big arms
And he tells me funny tales
About a thing that he once made
To give the Prince of Wales.
And he teaches me about the earth
And about blue Indian Ink,
And he shows me how to rig a sail
And he shows me to think.

Yes my uncle's an inventor
And we all know he's the best,
And he's got a room inside his house
Where the inventions have a test.
And we know that he invented Time
And space and Marzipan.
And the way the universe revolves
Around the lives man
And we know that he invented stars
And the planets and the moon
And the way the first man every learnt
To eat food with a spoon.
And we know that he invented
The way that shadows grow
When the sun has moved around the sky
And then is sinking low.
And he invented plastic bottles
And the way some drinks they fizz
And I heard once he invented
Everything there is.

But I don't care about that now
Or about the things he's done
Because he's here beside me
And he's funny and he's fun.
So I look up at my uncle
And I ask him if he will
Invent some sort of strange machine
That makes the time stand still.
And if he could just do it
Then we could both ignore
The ticking of the ticking clock
That's over by the door.
And he could keep on telling me
All the stories that he knows
Like the time that he invented
A TV for your toes.
And I could stay forever
And listen and believe
And fall asleep beside him
And never, ever leave.

Pig-headed Man

Pig-headed man, Pig-headed man,
Where are you from?
Pig-headed man
With your strange gun.
Are you from
The evil centre
Of the darkest sun?

Pig-headed man,
With your cruel message of want,
With your message of greed and death,
With your message of you can't get enough.
Coming to us when we're young
Teaching us about real tears,
Putting bullets in our brains
That won't explode for years.

Pig-headed man
With your strange gun.
Fighting us
Well
Before our growing
Has begun.
So cruel and unfair
Never once teaching us
To share,
To care,
To grow,
To sow.
To look at it
And know the world
Is good.

Adults

When the adults come in
Then everything is strange,
They cannot play the way we do
They have to rearrange.
They tell me not to run that way
They say Eve should brush her hair
They say that we should move something
Because they don't want it there.
They never really understand
What our games are about,
They never know the difference
Between a good scream and a shout.
When the adults take control
Then they all go on and on,
And suddenly we look and see
That all the fun is

Gone

My Flying Machines.

My flying machine is sixty-foot high
It's made of bats' wings
And an old fish's eye.
It's got levers and brakes
And it's faster than cars,
It's been all round the world
Now we're flying to Mars.
Oh wont' you come with me
And we'll both fly away,
And we'll come back tomorrow
Or at least the next day.
I've got my supplies
I've got food and some drink,
Where shall we go next
What do you think?

To France

I love to go to France
I go there in my car,
It cannot drive on water
So I take the Eurostar.
I drive out to the station
And I wait there in the queue,
And then a man comes over
And he tells me what to do.
And I drive onto the metal train
And I park where I am told
And then I drink the drink I got
Before it gets too cold.
Then I listen to some music
And suddenly we're there.
And I'm told to start the engine,
And to leave the train with care.
Then suddenly I'm out in France
But my airbags all explode,
Because I've forgotten they all drive
On the wrong side of the road.

Matroyshka

I am a Russian doll
There are lots of bits of me,
But I can hide inside myself
As you, yourself, can see.
I'm very, very big
But I'm also very small,
I'm teeny, teeny, teeny
But I'm also very tall.
I am a Russian doll
I'm smiley and I'm kind
Open up my body
And see how many mees you find.

French Food is my favourite

French food is my favourite
I love to eat baguette,
And a great big plate of French fries
laid beside a big omelette.

Yes I really love French pizza
And French spaghetti too,
And of course I love French curry
Like Chicken Vindaloo.

And I love French Danish pastry
And I love French fish and chips
I love the salt and vinegar taste
When I lick if off my lips.

Yes I really love all French food
If it's spicy or it's plain
Like a great big bowl of noodles
Or a French Chicken Chow mein.

Yes I really love those popadoms
And the nan bread and the French toast,
Yes I really think that French food
Is the food I love the most.

African Journey

I started in Mombasa
Then I drove to Nairobi,
Where I met a man who rode a horse
And said "Hello." to me.
I climbed upon the horse's back
And it took me to Sudan
Where I met a pair of fishermen
Who said they had a plan.
And they took me to an aeroplane
And we flew along the Nile
Until we saw, way down below,
A great big crocodile.
Which they said was friendly
As we landed on the ground,
But when I walked towards it
It made a snapping sound.
Then the crocodile it chased me
All the way to Kigali
Where I jumped upon a great big ship
Which took me out to sea.
And then after months of sailing
And beating on my drum
I finally got back to my home
And had tea with me mum.

The Lion

The lion's mane is fluffy and big
It looks a lot like he is wearing a wig,
He is strong and he's tough,
He so loud and so rough,
That it's weird to think that
He is only a cat.

The Tiger

The tiger's back
Is orange and black
And her teeth
Are as sharp as a knife.
If you see her come near
Then you'd best disappear
If you want to escape with your life.

The Monkey

The monkey swings
Up in the trees,
He hangs from his tail
And he hangs from his knees,

He sleeps in the branches
Right next to his mum,
And when he is dreaming
He scratches his bum.

The Hippo

The Hippo, the hippo
You might think
Would be slow
But actually
He's quick.
And he runs
And runs
And runs around
Like a dangerous
Speeding brick.

Lights out.

Like After Dark I am not quite
As lovely as I seem,
My words have all been taken from
The devil's darkest dream.

You think that you can own me,
And never scream and shout?
Then take a torch and try to read
Me when the lights are out.

Bedbugs

Bedbugs, bedbugs
Biting in the night,
Bedbugs, bedbugs
Keeping out of sight.
They bit my mother on the leg
They bit my father’s knee
They bit my little sister
Now they’re coming after me!

Bedbugs, bedbugs
Biting in the night,
Bedbugs, bedbugs
Keeping out of sight.
They hide beneath the mattresses
They hide beneath the stairs
They hide inside the cupboard
And they hide beside the chairs

Bedbugs, bedbugs
What are we going to do?
Bedbugs, bedbugs
They’re biting me and you.
My sister got a dustpan
And my dad he got a broom,
They swept up all the bedbugs
And they chased them from the room.

Bedbugs, bedbugs
All over the place,
Bedbugs, bedbugs
All on my hands and face.
My mother’s getting stressy
Shouting “Where should be begin?”
So I sucked them up the hoover
And I threw them in the bin.

Ladybird.

I am a lovely ladybird
I’m pretty as can be,
I fly up in the summer breeze
And land upon a tree.
I have small tiny dots
Upon my bright, red wing,
I fly up and I float around
Where the summer birds they sing.

I am a little ladybird
I’ll make your wish come true,
If you will help me fly away
Up in the skies of blue.
So put me on your finger
And hold me in the air,
Then tell me where you want to go
And I will take you there.

Letters

There's a great big moon that's shining
Through the dark and trees,
There's an angel and a butterfly
Who have bored me to my knees.
There's a sink that's full of dishes
And some wishes and a bin,
And a basin full of nothing
For me to keep my troubles in.
There's a carpet and a pleasure
And a near one and a miss,
And a bowl of warm spaghetti
And a fridge that used to hiss.
There's a rainbow and a message
And a mission and a book,
And a brand new set of telescopes
Through which we used to look.
There's a pink one and a blue one
And a silly waste of time,
And a nutshell and a Marmaduke
And the distant smell of lime.
There are seven yellow flowers
And sixteen purple bells,
And a brand new set of Hula-hoops
And disinfectant smells.
There are Wednesdays and new wheelie-bins
And some pockets and a noise,
And some tiny yellow sandals
That are fit for girls and boys.
There is nothing but a feeling
And a forgotten thing or two
In the memory of letters
That once I sent to you.

Edith Jump

Edith went to Birmingham
Edith went to France,
Edith met a polar bear
Who taught her how to dance.

She danced a little Tango
She danced the Boogaloo,
She danced the foxtrot
Then she came
Waltzing back to you.

In the middle of Lidl

In the middle of Lidl you can buy a blue hat,
And a set of pink forks and a coat for a cat.
You can buy some green slippers or some bits for a drill,
You can buy some big bowls or some buckets to fill.
There are magnetic lights and boxes of logs
And bright purple collars for foxes or dogs.

In the middle of Lidl there are packets of screws,
There are scarves and pyjamas and working men's shoes.
There are jackets and maps and cutlery trays,
Umbrellas and wellies for rainy, wet days.
There are glue sticks and books and a pulse oximeter,
Six patch work quilts and an oil fire heater.

In the middle of Lidl there are t-shirts and toys,
There are headphones and speakers and drums for more noise.
There are helmets for skiing and all purpose mats,
There are soft, cuddly teddies stuffed rhinos and rats.
There are hot water bottles and bright fairy wings,
There are rows upon rows of peculiar things.

In the middle of Lidl there are fountains and floats
And pairs of pink leggings for fashionable goats.
There are green kites and anchors and traps for a fly,
And blue crochet Leprechauns six pencils high.
There are dice that can tell you what's right and what's wrong
And a pump-up pink mattress that's two metres long.

In the middle of Lidl you can get a new phone,
And lots of strange things that are perfect to own.
There are books filled with paper and pens for a poet,
And things you have needed when you didn't even know it.
So get out your money and then follow me,
To the middle of Lidl, where I'm sure you'll agree.
There is something for everyone, even for you,
In the middle of Lidl your dreams will come true.

A Little Bit Scary

You know it's a little bit scary
When it's dark and you wake up at night,
And you hear a strange sound like a monster
And a ghostly noise gives you a fright.

When it's dark and you're sleeping in bed
And a skeleton touches your skin,
Or you're lying and watching the shadows
And you think you hear zombies come in.

Yes, it's always a little bit scary
And it's easy to get a bad fright,
When the whole house is silently and sleeping
And you're lying awake in the night.

Lovely words

Curmudgeon is a lovely word
Though I don't know what it means,
I think maybe that it's a dog
Who doesn't like baked beans.
Another word I really love
Is existentialist,
Which I was told
Is the seventh thing
Upon a Christmas list.

Some other words that I have heard
That always make me smile,
Are pompous and bombastic
And another's anglophile.
I don't know what they mean of course
But that doesn't really matter,
I love the way they leave my tongue
When they ricochet and splatter.

My brother says his favourite word
Is anachronistically,
And both of us we think it means
To never disagree.
I like the word epitome
And I love to say gazumped
And I also like the way it feels
When I say that something slumped.
I love the word Rhinosaurus
And I love the word usurp,
And I love to use some silly words
Like twit and bottom-burp.

I love the sound of Euripides
Emancipation and absurd
And I think egalitarian
Is a type of yellow bird.
Yes I have lots of favourites
Though I also love the rest,
But what about you,
My reading friend,
Is there a word you love the best?